The Fish & Pig Chronicle

The Fish & Pig Chronicle enjoyed a brief seven-issue run in the spring of 1985. It was published in Wigglesworth F-12, a location noteworthy primarily for the absurdity of its name. Despite immeasurable popularity (no attempts were ever made to measure it), the weekly was forced into irrelevance by improvements in the menu offered by Harvard Dining Services.

Attempts to engineer an environment conducive to the revival of the muckraking journal by introducing the HDS to the hogfish fillet regretfully proved unsuccessful.

The original masthead of the groundbreaking publication, winner of eighteen Pulitzer Prizes (actual award of prizes pending), is reproduced above.

See actual sample articles from the Fish & Pig Chronicle! 

Issue #1                   Absolutely Free               Week of March 3rd

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

This week's Pig & Fish danger index rating comes in at zero! That's right, although both fish and pig do appear separately on the menu, there are no Pig & Fish nights! It's a bit embarrassing for the first issue, but that's the way the cookie crumbles!

New Food Weekly Hits the Scene

Paper dedicated to public service

The Fish & Pig Chronicle, Harvard's latest publication, emerges today as a public service paper designed to warn students about those dreaded Pig & Fish meals. "I hate 'em," says David Cohen, student. The paper's editor describes the significance of the birth of his new publication: "I think this will turn the media on its ear. It's about time they stopped ignoring the plague of pig & fish sweeping the nation!"

Asked why the paper's name has reversed the traditional order of the two dreaded foodstuffs, the editor was quoted as saying, "I don't know."

The Fish & Pig Chronicle Executive Board

Moose Salesman           Irwin Jones
Chief of Advertising Ê   Lewis Irwin
Nephew                   Freddy Jones
Archives                 Irma Wilkins

We'd also like to thank the Freshman Union, without whom this paper would not have been possible

Issue #2                  Positively  Free              Week of March 10th

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

This week's menu features only one night of the dreaded Pig & Fish.
Tuesday:
 Broiled Fish - Bread Crumb Topping #1222
 Sweet n' [sic] Sour Pork #1375

Pig & Fish to be Banned?

Food and Drug Administration to consider measure

In a statement released earlier today Melvin J. Shmelvin, spokesman for the FDA, announced that the administration has organized a ten-year study to determine just how hazardous the infamous food combination is. "The danger of illness is mostly mental," commented Shmelvin in a rare interview. "Nevertheless, several cases of severe disgust have come to our attention. Have no fear; we've got our best men working on the problem."

Shmelvin said one possible solution less severe than a ban might be a treat after a meal of Pig & Fish, such as milk and cookies for everyone. "All the possibilities are being looked into," he added.

Arnold M. Blonsky, spokesman for the International Philatelist Society, issued no statement on the subject.

Credits

Produced by............... Les Mushkin
Les Mushkin produced by... Mr. and Mrs. Mushkin
Editor.................... Snidely Whiplash
World-reknowned author.... Jean-Paul Sartre

We'd also like to retract our thanks to the Freshman Union, without whom this paper wouldn't have to be possible!

Issue #3                       100% Free                Week of March 17th

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

This week's menu features only one night of the dreaded Pig & Fish.
Monday:
 Chinese PuPu Platter
 Broiled Fish Almondine

Beware, people! Union PuPu Platter is, in reality, a disguised pig dish, consisting of sliced pork and egg rolls!

A Brief History of the Pig

Hideous creature a recent creation!

The modern day pig was created in 1956 at the bioengineering labs of Yale University. The first ever pig, dubbed Sam, was the result of a mad biologist's attempt to create a being more suited to pulling sleds across arctic wastelands than the husky. It was only later that it was discovered that the pig was a viable source of food; hence the term pork, which is a cross between "pig" and "fork". Also the word ham, a cross between "hungry" and "Sam".

It was in 1966 that the rapidly growing pig population faced extinction due to relentless attacks by the deadly "whooping sneeze virus." In a daring shootout on March 2nd of that year, police managed to kill the virus and rescue three pigs. Since then, pigs have surpassed all previous population levels.

Of course, ever since the shameful mistake happened on that fateful day in 1956, Yale has been considered a second-rate college.

Next week: a brief history of the fish.

Research:

We thank the Brittanica Encyclopedia of Little-Known Facts, and especially President Bok for his detailed description of the Yale fiasco.

Issue #4                       No charge                Week of April 14th

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

An unbelievably toxic week with three Pig & Fish nights!

Sunday:
 Roast Loin of Pork, Brown Gravy
 Broiled Fish -- Lemon Butter
Wednesday:
 Grilled Ham Steak -- Pineapple Ring & Cherry Garnish
 Broiled Fish -- Lemon Butter #1222A
Friday:
 Teriyaki Roast Pork #1370A
 Fish Fry

A Brief History of the Fish

Ancient creatures thought to have evolved

The famed fish comes in many shapes, sizes and varieties, and lives in bodies of water, such as oceans and lakes. Recent evidence has indicated to scientists at the Woods Hole marine biology research center that the fish actually evolved, i.e. metamorphosed over centuries, from a lower life form. "Yes, actually," said Norton Eggsfield, marine biologist. His companion Jane Pittsface agreed. "Fish are not actually fish as such," she said, "but really they are the descendents of sponges and sea anemones. Honestly."

Although many scientists the world over are skeptical, and many more cannot even pronounce the word "evolution," the Woods Hole scientists seem quite sure of their data.

One thing remains definite: cook the little buggers for too long and they lose all flavor. "Yes, actually," concurs Eggsfield.

Research:

We thank Norton Eggsfield and his scientific colleagues at the Woods Hole Institute for Harmless Scientific Loonies for their expert advice. Also we thank John, Paul, George and Ringo for their contribution to rock music.

Issue #5                 Truly without a Price          Week of April 21st

Why "Veal"?

Supermarkets have entered into a conspiracy with French restaurants.

The sight of that luscious young body wrapped in tight, form-fitting plastic is enough to drive most housewives crazy. Sure enough, nearly all of us have no qualms about buying "young turkey hens." But what about veal? Veal comes from poor helpless baby cows, brought to slaughter by their trust in humankind and maybe a mouthful of grain or two.

Why do I bring this up in the Fish & Pig weekly? Well, how many times have you bought "baby fish" - or worse yet - "baby pig"? Just imagine "broiled baby fish" - or even worse - "raw baby fish"! It's no feat to imagine how many people would be turned off of caviar if their expensive little bottles read "Raw Baby Fish".

Next time you eat a piece of veal, think of that poor little calf's soulful brown eyes staring out at you and begging for mercy from the veal-eaters of the world.

Research:

We thank all those many California marine biologists who work at Sea World and Marineland spending their hot summer days making dolphins whistle, seals bark, and whales splash. They know the value of eating fully-grown fish and not little itty-bitty baby things.

Note: This issue was written by special contributing editor Sabrina "Hold-The-Presses" Fang
Next issue: The explosive result of crossing a fish with a pig. . .

Issue #6                        Gratis                  Week of April 29th

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

The eternal union cycle continues with one dangerous night this week:
Tuesday:
 Broiled Fish -- Bread Crumb Topping #1222
 Sweet n' [sic] Sour Pork #1375

It Really Exists!

Hideous Mythological Creature is No Joke

This reporter was stunned, shocked and flabbergasted to discover, while casually perusing the "P" section of the American Heritage Dictionary, the following entry:

pig'fish (pig'fish') n., pl. pigfish or -fishes. A marine fish, Orthopristis chrysopterus, of Atlantic waters along the U.S. coast. Also called "hogfish." [It grunts like a pig.]

My heart beat like a rabbit's and the sweat trickled down my armpits. But what choice did I have? There was no way to avoid looking up hogfish:

hog'fish (hog'fish) n., pl. hogfish or -fishes. 1. A colorful fish, Lachnolaimus maximus, of warm Atlantic waters, having a long snout in the adult male. 2. Any of several similar or related fishes, such as the pigfish (see).

This was shocking, but there was more. I gasped in astonishment when I noticed the picture of the hideous hogfish in the margin. This picture clearly represents a creature which is a crime against both God and nature, and I have faithfully reproduced it below for you. Pray that in your many years you never encounter this hellspawned being, and pray yet more fervently, and with your lucky rabbit's foot in one hand your horseshoe in the other, that you are never forced to eat the creature. Its flavor, no doubt, would be fatal.

Issue #7             Distributed without Recompense        Week of May 5th

Beware! Beware!

This week's Pig & Fish Menu

Full of new and horrid tortures (at lunch, yet!), for example:
Saturday lunch:
 Grilled Batter-dipped Fish -- Tartar Sauce
 Pork Chop Suey -- Chow Mein Noodles #1384

The Hidden Link

Experts have long confounded laymen with the inconsequential difference between roe and caviar!

Ever notice a crossword puzzle clue which says merely "fish eggs" and then looked at the corresponding three block space? Most people squish "caviar" in by putting two letters per space, but I refused to use such underhand methods. I called my friendly neighborhood whale at Marineland and discovered that the word all those sadistic crossword-puzzle writers wanted was "roe."

Then he told me not all roe was caviar even though all caviar is roe. Fishologists have long known of the difference, but have done nothing to enlighten the public about it. The reason? I suspect it is because they have a secret desire to take over the caviar industry and become billionaires by marketing caviar which is really uncaviarish roe, thereby undercutting the prices of all real caviar sellers and making tons of bucks.

If you see any funny looking caviar in the Union, you'll know these fishologists have started their malicious plan and are mutilating pregnant fish of all kinds.

Research:

I thank a certain whale who wishes to remain anonymous, since the information he provided is enough to cause some crossword-puzzle writers to want to make perfume out of him.

Note: This issue was written by special contributing editor Sabrina "Hold-The-Presses" Fang

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This page last modified December 6, 1995.

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