I contacted a bunch of friends: Elliot, Ashu, Jeremy, Jacob, and Lorelei. David was away on the east coast, and due back the 23rd. He and Ashu were leaving for a week of bridge playing in Las Vegas on the 25th. That left one day, Wednesday the 24th, and we decided to hold the party then. Since Ashu and David eat out together a lot, it seemed natural to ask Ashu to be the one to lure David out to mine and Elliot's apartment on Wednesday evening for the surprise.
Such was the plan until Jacob, kind, selfless, considerate, always thinking of others, sent out mail asking if we weren't forgetting anyone else's birthday. To celebrate David's birthday while ignoring another birthday wouldn't be too keen, he noted. And he was right--it turned out that Ashu's birthday was the 23rd! The party was turned into a joint birthday party. Ashu would know about it, but it would still be a surprise for David.
With this new twist, the opportunitites for wicked and devious means of getting David over to our place unsuspecting were dramatically increased. It was only necessary to find the one that would most effectively show up David for a gullible fool ...
Over the next few days the plan began to crystallize. The only doubt we had was ... would David suspect? Of course he would suspect! David is a devious little toad, the kind of amoral reptile who could easily have come up with twenty plans as sinister as ours before breakfast. He'd as soon humiliate his friends as blow his nose. Sooner, probably. And besides, Elliot voiced doubts about Ashu's ability to carry the whole scheme off with a straight face. We were sunk!
Or were we? We had several things going for us. None of us had mentioned David's birthday to him ... he probably had no idea we knew about it. In addition, it had been over a week since his birthday, and in that time he had done a lot of traveling and been through many interesting adventures, so his birthday was ancient history to him. And finally, the proximity of the date of the party to Ashu's actual birthday would keep him from doubting our story. At least, we hoped so.
With this in mind, we swung our plan into action. I sent mail to everyone involved but David, detailing the plan and explaining that I was about to send out red herring mail. I next sent out mail to everyone but Ashu, making sure to include David, suggesting as if for the first time that we have a suprise party for Ashu. I mentioned that I would call David to arrange a plot to get Ashu over as soon as David returned to Berkeley Tuesday. Jacob and Jeremy sent back red herring replies which David was sure to see, saying they could make it. The hook had been baited!
As David and I kept talking, he overhead the rattling of spoons and the clank of pots and pans, and asked what I was making. Now, part of the beauty of this whole scheme was that no secrets needed to be kept. If David knew about party preparations, he though they were for tricking Ashu. If Ashu found out about such preparations, he knew they were part of our plan to trick David. So without skipping a beat I said, "Oh, I'm making Ashu's birthday cake." "But!" cried David, "He'll see it when he comes over later to play with Elliot!" He had me there! I'd exposed myself! Arghh!
I had no choice but to play it straight. "Oh no!" I cried back, "you're right! What'll I do?"
"Pretend it's banana bread. Ashu hates banana bread."
"I think I can be done before he gets here. Anyway, he and Elliot get so engrossed they'll never notice."
Pretty lame, I know, but it worked. Or so I thought ...
Ashu came over, admired the cake, and was briefed on what had transpired. "I'll make it hard for him," Ashu said with a sly grin. "Heh, heh, heh." The trap was set. The spring was cocked. Now we needed only wait. David would do the dirty work in getting himself over to his own surprise party. The rest of us could sit back while he tried to concoct an excuse that would get Ashu to come with him to our place. Hah, what a genius plan it was!
"That's pretty lame, David."
"I know, but it's true. Anyway, what should I tell him?"
"I don't know." Heh. Let David squirm. Ashu was clearly enjoying watching him twist in the wind.
"Alright, I'll tell him you're cooking dinner and we want him to come over."
"Okay, that's good."
"I'll tell him you're cooking dinner, and Elliot's away, so you need the company."
"Tell you what. Tell him Elliot's cooking dinner, and I'm away."
"Okay, I'll try that. Bye."
This was great. Elliot and I laughed about the whole situation. Then David called again. He sounded distressed.
"Ashu's giving me a lot of grief. He says if I don't play bridge tonight, he'll resent me all week in Las Vegas. He's going to make the trip down there in the car miserable for me!"
"Well, just agree to play with him, then divert him to our place."
"I can't do that. If he actually is led to believe he'll play bridge, then doesn't, he'll be furious. He'll kill me. Even if he does get a party instead. Besides, if we set off for bridge, we'd have to leave at 6:30 to get dinner, and that's too early. I've got to tell him something soon. He's getting really suspicious. I just hung up on him and told him I had to make some phone calls. We're playing softball at 4:30."
"Okay, David, I have an idea. Tell him Elliot and I are willing to learn to play bridge, and we'll play with you guys after dinner if he comes over." Elliot and I are well known to scorn bridge. The idea was preposterous, but what did I care? Unlike David, I knew that no matter how silly the excuse, Ashu would never "suspect" a ploy, because he already KNEW about the ploy!
"Well, I'll try. What should I say Elliot is making for dinner?"
"A turkey." Elliot had made a turkey once a few months back.
"A turkey?!? Yeah, alright. He put it in this morning, and he needs guests to help eat all of it. Wait ... curried turkey!"
"Sounds good." Curried turkey? David's old sense of humor was obscuring his better judgment.
"Oh no! I told him you were away! How can you be there to play bridge?"
"Um... I'm away for dinner, but I'll be back right after."
You see, the whole point of this elaborate exercise was to fool David. And the whole point of fooling David was to make him realize, at the instant everyone yelled "Surprise!", what a sap he'd been. Then we could rib him about it for days, weeks, maybe even months! It would be priceless! But here was the problem: when everyone yelled "Surprise!", David wouldn't be at all nonplussed. He was EXPECTING everyone to yell "Surprise!" ... for Ashu! It would never do. We couldn't then explain to him: "Oh, you see, we had this elaborate plan, and that surprise was actually for you." It just wouldn't wash. Doom and damnation!
Elliot came up with the solution, which we hammered out in the car. The only hitch was, would we be able to contact Ashu and tell him about it in time? If not, it was sure to fail.
Soon after we got home, Jeremy arrived. The phone rang. It was David. In a moment of confusion I told Jeremy and Elliot to hush up lest he hear there were guests about. Stupid of me ... no matter whether David or Ashu called, each would EXPECT party preparations to be under way. David chastised me for answering the phone. "I told Ashu you were away for the evening, remember? What if he had called!" I feigned shock and horror. "Egad! You're right! I won't answer it again." David said he'd finally got Ashu, kicking and grumbling, to agree to come over, but that Ashu might change his mind at any minute. Ashu was reportedly in a furious mood.
Ashu called afterwards. We all gloated over his masterful performance. He mentioned a few things he had told David which we didn't know about, including that he didn't want to see Elliot tonight because he and Elliot had gotten into a big fight over "Victory in the Pacific" the night before. Then we consulted Ashu on the new plan, which was this: When David and Ashu arrived at the door, the house would be dark and quiet. No one would answer the knock, and the two of them would be left on the porch. Time would go slowly by for David, who wouldn't understand what was going on. After letting him sweat, Ashu would turn and yell "Surprise!" at which point we would fling open the door and the party would begin. Heh, heh, heh.
And waited.
And waited.
We'd been double-crossed! Ashu had told David the whole ploy, and gone off with him to play bridge! Or were delaying to make us sweat! Or had some other devious scheme in mind! Yes, it all made sense ... Ashu was as slimy as David. The two of them together would turn the tables on their own grandmothers. They might do it even to us!
Actually, as usual they were just late.
From my position, I could clearly hear two voices seeping in from the other side of the door, punctured repeatedly by knocks and doorbell dongs. "We could have gone to play bridge," the one with the Indian accent kept repeating in thoroughly annoyed tones. Time crawled by. A minute easily passed. "I don't understand," said David, "they said they'd be here." Ashu continued to complain vociferously. Inside the apartment, our ninja facades were beginning to crack. Our lips, fastened tightly around the noise-makers, were weakening. How long was Ashu going to string this one out for? Maybe they were both just going to leave.
Finally, Ashu cried "Surprise!" The noisemakers went off. "Birthday" blasted at volume 11. I yanked open the door, and streamers flew at David and Ashu from all directions. (Actually, only from the direction of our side of the door.) Over the next seven seconds David's facial expression gradually changed, as a look of dulled comprehension slowly crept over his stunned and confused visage. Success!
David stinks and Ashu eats bugs!
-Zev
This page last modified December 2, 1997.
Zev Handel / zev_web#namkung.com